Hi...
In the midst of a separation that could likely lead to divorce and a bi-coastal life style (Boston/San Fran) for two children (6 and 9). I'm scared to death to go through with this as I am afraid of screwing up the kids.
Wife doesn't want to stay and I don't want to use courts to force her... but is staying together for the kids really for the best. I can fake it pretty good, but it doesn't sound like much of a life other than being a parent.
Anyone have an experience they'd like to share?
In the midst of a separation that could likely lead to divorce and a bi-coastal life style (Boston/San Fran) for two children (6 and 9). I'm scared to death to go through with this as I am afraid of screwing up the kids.
Wife doesn't want to stay and I don't want to use courts to force her... but is staying together for the kids really for the best. I can fake it pretty good, but it doesn't sound like much of a life other than being a parent.
Anyone have an experience they'd like to share?
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SF Bay Area
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/17Yeah don't ever think that "staying together for the best " is the best thing. I tried that with my ex and it rarely worked out for the good. It just made it akward and it got to be really negative between us. I think that that was far more harmful than if we would have had a clean break. Oh yeah we have 4 children and yeah it got really nasty.
So do the children a favor and if it seems as if that is the outcome (divorce, I mean) then break it to the children and do your best to explain it to them. They will I think thank you for it later in life.
That is my 2 cents on the subject. I could go on a lot more, but that would get tired really quick and it would most likely turn into a rant of my own history and this is not about me. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/19Thanks... I am torn between being the person I want to be with... and being with my kids... it's an awful mess. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/19Yeah I know what you mean. That part was sort of hard for me to deal with in the beginning. Then I began to think that sometimes you need to bring your own happiness before you can bring that happiness to others. I lived with my ex wife for almost 5 years before I finally moved out and started living "my life" and not the life that I was dealing with. I love my children, but in the end I discovered that I was doing them a far greater dis-service than they deserved.
That lead to a bit of un-happiness for them and for myself, but I discovered that I wasn't being fair to them. I started to get a shorter fuse with things that were at best trivial, and I decided that I needed to take care of me before I could continue being there emotionally and mentally for them. I was extremely miserable and it was starting to show through to them and they didn't like it either. So I explained the best I could about why I couldn't live with them anymore. My two oldest understood, but the younger ones couldn't really get it.
So in retrospect I should have left earlier and not tried so much to keep up the illusion that things were ok. Plus the older ones knew what was going on with me and their mother, so it just came to work out that way. I like to think that in some ways they are happier now that we are finally seperated.
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/19Divorcing my daughter's father was very hard on all of us, but I think it was ultimately the best choice because I'm able to provide a more stable home for her on my own than when we were living with him. She acted out for a month or two, but now we have our routines and she's happier and more outgoing than she ever was before.
Give the kids a lot of love and reassurance and stability. Consider moving to wherever they'll be so that you can be a regular figure in their lives. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/19Yean Imoved about 20 minutes away from mine when I first left, but in the end it didn't matter because she (the ex) moved out of state about a month and a half later. Without tellling me that she was doing so.
I'm not saying that this is normal or what to expect just what happened in my case. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/19Thanks... we'd be living 3000 miles apart. Not ideal for staying an involved father. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/20It seems that there's a huge difference between staying married for the kids and moving 3000 miles away from them, never seeing them. Now *that* could be something that messes them up, feeling like they've been left, not just your spouse. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/20I think that that all depends on who it is that moves and how it affects the children. In my case it was mom moving with the children and not me moving, but I think that if it is explained before hand it is far easier on them than not explaining.
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/23She is actually the one that wants to move to MA. I think the best thing is for everyone to see kids all the time... but, family and jobs on opposite coasts can be tough. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
07/30Paul, court cases suck, I know, but I think it is worth it to take her to court to fight for your kids, Moving out of state will make you a "vacation" father. Once your kids reach 12 or so they will not want to come to California for the summer and be away from their friends. I think taking her to court to keep them in state is resaonsable. Yes, she will be pissed, but your kids wont lose their dad. I think it will be hard for the kids to adjust to a totally new school, new friends, and loss of dad all with in a month or so. This could be traumatic for them and a huge loss for you. You don't have to fight her over everything, but I would fight to keep your kids in this state. There is nothing unresonable about that as a father. Perhaps you can offer to pay extra child support if that would make it easier for her to stay. Just my .2. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/01Yeah but on that same note Ellen what about their mother? Does she not have the same emotional attachment to them as well? I mean why do you sound as if the mother is doing some horrible thing? I understand that there is a huge change coming for all of them, but it is no reason to take that type of drastic measure.
I have outlined my own circumstances with this, but I would not go through the same scenario with my ex. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/01I simply can't force my ex to stay in California. I can see if it was a couple of hours drive...but living 3000 miles away because you ex-husband won't let you move seems cruel. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/02I agree Ididn't do a great job at conveying that, but that was my intentional goal with my last post.
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/05The courts almost never side with the parent who wants to move out of state and a custody hearing is going to see moving the kids away from where they live as disruptive. In many states she'd have to get a special court order to be able to take the kids out of state even if she does have primary custody.
It really sounds to me like you don't want custody, is that correct? -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/08There is nothing more I would like than to be the primary custodial parent. However, kids also need their mom involved in their lives.
When I am alone with the kids we have a wonerful time together. Sure we get homework and household stuff done... but we have a blast doing it.
I just don't know that it's any healthier being here with me than it is being there with her. -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/08OK, I asked because I have a friend who loved her children, but recognized that the father was better suited to be their parent and thus voluntariy gave him full custody and it was all amicable. She was an artist free spirit type that liked to live on the road and such, and he was a working professional sort of guy. She also then moved to another country (the US from Australia). This worked out well for all parties involved and the children later moved to the US and all is fine.
You would like nothing more than to be primary guardian. And you also seem to imply that she is a fine parent and will do well raising them also. It sounds then like you are saying you don't want to go to court to petition for custody? Isn't this all resolved in the divorce proceedings? I am not sure what the law is like where you are. You don't want to use the courts to force her to stay, but have you considered that it is not really fair of her to just take the kids without consideration of what you would like, or what might be best for the kids. What do the kids want? Any preference? Excited about moving across country, or wanting to stay with their friends?
Can you resolve this with her, that she agrees you have them on summers and the judge just signs off on that? If you take an agreement you've worked out to the courts, there is typically no 'dispute', it's just putting into writing what everyone has agreed on.
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Re: Divorce and Children
01/09I think removing your kids from their dad because she wants to live 3000 miles away is cruel to the kids. I thinks it is the worst she could do for them. Divorce is hard enough, but having your dad ripped away from you is terrible.
Why does your wife want to move so far away?
Paul, the kind of relationship you have with your kids is dependent on living near or 3000 miles away. A vacation dad is just very different and in my opinion inferior, to being near by. You'd be their dad that they see 2-3 times a year as a special occasion. You won't be involved in their daily lives.
my 2c is that you should try to keep the kids near. Can't you talk your wife out of moving? -
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Re: Divorce and Children
01/09wow, I just realized that this thread is several months old.
A lot must have happened since.
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Re: Divorce and Children
01/09Thanks for the input...
The divorce is moving along and she is still determined to move. Her argument being, we're from Boston, she didn't want to move, too expensive here and needs her family.
I've worked things so I can move if push comes to shove and telecommute for work. Probably only short term (6-12 months), but it works.
I am also still pushing her to stay.
The kids are doing okay with the separation... but it's still tough.
I've been pretty kid focussed for the past year making sure they do as well as possible.
Even if they move and I stay... I can still fly there twice a month for two one week stints. I won't only be a vacation dad....
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Re: Divorce and Children
06/14Yes, if you go thru with an actual divorce, i think there are ways of making sure you don't become a vacation father. You work it into the proceedings. I only know about this through watching quite a few friends go through it. It is hard. It is tedious. But your kids need to have both parents and I think there's a good chance the courts will uphold that.
Much luck. Really. These things are not simple.
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/08It's a hard call. I feel it's far more beneficial for a parent to live the life they want to and are happy with... it teaches by example the importance of following your dreams and sticking to your beliefs. I think in your place I would probably move out... and insist that she not be allowed to leave the state with the children. You do have a right to see them and be a part of their life, and a judge might be willing to rule in your favor on it.
Just my two cents' worth... -
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Re: Divorce and Children
08/08(that was to an earlier post... gotta love Tribe!) I just saw your update... it looks like you've found a way, at least for a while, to both have the life you want/need to have, and to be an active parent. Kudos to you for finding a way through!
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